Yes, many adults stay friendly with an ex. Normal is the wrong test. Ask whether the contact is kind, clear, and fair to you and to new partners. If it keeps you stuck, name that.
Short answer. Yes, plenty of adults are friends with an ex. The question that actually helps is whether that friendship is kind to you, clear between you, and fair to anyone new in your life. If it drains you or keeps you waiting in a queue, call it what it is.
In short:
Sometimes it is simple. You stay civil, can share a table at a wedding without rereading the cake knife as a weapon from an old quarrel, and you pass the odd meme with no heat at all. That is a workable version for adults who share circles, buildings, or group chats and prefer calm to replaying history in public.
Other versions churn quietly. Late texting, inside jokes that kick old chemistry awake, and private check-ins you would never explain to a future partner begin to shape something slippery that costs you steadiness. I will say it plainly: that is not friendship.
Sometimes it is practical. Shared friend groups and workplaces run better when two adults keep things steady and do not make others hold their leftovers, which keeps birthdays and Monday stand-ups less tense for people who never asked to referee. That choice can be a relief when the lines are visible and predictable.
It can also help when there was care, little harm, and a shared wish for a light, background connection. Aim for small, low-stakes contact that stays boring and respectful, and that does not siphon attention from your present or from a future partner you have not met yet. Keep it measured, and keep it public.
Here is where I get blunt. Backup plans bleed energy. Calling it maturity while keeping someone on the hook, or being kept there yourself, erodes sleep, focus, and appetite in ways that seem minor week to week and then suddenly feel like a slow heartbreak you accidentally rehearsed for months.
If some of this stings, pause and choose rather than drift. You can also check how you show up in loops, and how they do, using this piece as a mirror: Am I the problem in my relationship? Read it here. The answers are rarely clean, though they can be honest.
Start with one rule you will actually keep. Write it down, keep it boring, and make it specific: no late-night one-on-one chats, meet only in groups for now, no relationship post-mortems, and no comments on photos that poke the ache your body still recognises even when your mouth calls it a joke.
Then say it once and act it. Mute, archive, and skip shared haunts for a season if needed, and spell out what happens when the line gets crossed so you are not negotiating every Sunday. If you want more help with limits, this piece is practical: Setting a boundary with a parent without detonating the family is here. Different bond, same muscle.
I am Satlaj Sachan, counsellor in Bengaluru. I have been practising since 2015 with adults roughly 25 to 45, in English and Hindi, over video and in person here, and I have worked with more than 140 people. Rafiq is my practice at heyrafiq.com, named for my podcast running since 2020. I keep things plain.
A first conversation is thirty minutes and free, and booking starts with a short form. I am not a doctor and cannot prescribe; if medication is worth considering I refer to someone who can assess that. If you are unsafe or fear harm, step back from the ex and call Tele-MANAS on 14416 right now.
This is common. Weekends feel like a pothole, the ex chat is the reliable ping, and turning that tap off makes a quiet that hums in your chest for hours after lights out. Your body will argue that the ex is medicine. That is loneliness talking through a familiar doorway because new ones feel heavy to open.
Build other anchors before you trim contact. Book a class with dates, message two friends and set actual plans, and stack evenings with things that use hands and eyes so the room is not only thoughts. If nights spike your nerves, this may help: How do I deal with anxiety when I am alone? Read it.
If you want light company, I run a small cafe gathering in HSR, five or so people. The day moves week to week, and it is not counselling, though it gives a simple hour to sit, listen, and let your phone stay facedown. Small, regular, ordinary contact settles the noise in kinder ways.
Is it healthy to be friends with an ex?
Sometimes it is fine, sometimes it drains you. Use three tests: is it kind to you, clear between you, and fair to new partners. If you hide the chat, break your own plans for them, or keep hoping for a reunion, you have your answer. Choose a boundary that protects your present.
How do I tell my ex I need distance without being cruel?
Be brief and specific. Try: I value you, and I am choosing distance to settle into my life now. For the next few months, no late-night chats and we will meet only in groups. Say it once, then hold the line. You do not need to re-argue your reasons every week.
Can we stay friends if we share a friend group or workplace?
Yes, when the lines are visible and steady. Keep chats practical, meet in groups, and do not process the old relationship in corridors. If contact makes you small, jumpy, or foggy for hours after, reduce touchpoints for a while. Protect your energy so the wider circle does not carry your old fight.
My new partner hates that I chat with my ex. What now?
Hear their discomfort first. Decide what is fair together: you might narrow ex contact to public or group spaces, or pause it while your new bond steadies. If you keep it secret to avoid a fight, secrecy becomes the problem. Choose one loyalty, say it aloud, and behave in line with it.
How long after a break-up should we try being friends?
No set clock applies. Many people need a long quiet patch so grief can do its slow work. Wait until contact does not spike your heart, sleep, or scrolling. If you try and it hurts, step back and lengthen the quiet rather than forcing a shape that your body rejects right now.
Written by Satlaj Sachan, a counsellor in Bengaluru working Book a first conversation.